The Difficult Conversation

Why the difficult conversation is necessary to build trust.

Most people feel like hard conversations are best left for another day but, the reality is, that the other day never comes. I am often asked, “How are you so confident to speak up?”. This comes as much from people who sit at a boardroom table as well as junior employees and students.

Nobody likes to stand out or to raise something that nobody else wants to hear even if they know it needs to be said. Especially if it’s with friends.

Here is the truth, difficult conversations build trust because people know where you stand. Through transparency and an open and honest conversation, people know that what you say in front of them is the same as what you say behind closed doors.

How they interpret them is a different story and this is where it is important that you communicate that the conversation is as much about you seeking clarity as it is about working towards a solution that is mutually acceptable.

It is not the conversation itself that holds people back but the perception of what others will think of them. So, if you make the questions genuine in seeking details to understand better, it breaks down that initial barrier.

How to engage in conversation to ensure you get the outcome you wanted

Most teams, friendships, and relationships are built on trust and at the core of the discussion are honest and transparent responses, not “wishy-washy” responses that do not have real meaning.  Be clear, precise, and own what you say as this creates respect.

If you are asked when you will complete something, be specific with the date and time. Next week is not good enough for anyone, let alone someone you want to create trust with.

If you commit to something, own it. And if you fall short, own it outright. People remember how you make them feel so if you misrepresent the whole truth or are fluffy in your response, you are diminishing respect for those to whom you are talking.  This is what transforms a difficult conversation into a conversation that builds mutual respect.

What do you do when people are not honest, and you know it?

I was recently asked at a Leadership forum "What do you do when people are not honest, and you know it? Especially when it's someone you know?"

As I looked across the room which was filled with people of integrity, role models, leaders, and people of influence, I responded: you call it out. Not so that you make them feel bad, but so that you are clear on what your values and your expectations are. Calling someone out is not about calling them a liar but by asking them “What does that mean for you?”

If you are prepared to be honest, people will never second guess where you stand. Nor will they use you as a pawn in a discussion where they want to gain an upper hand on something by placing you at the centre of something untruthful because everyone will know you to be honest, open and prepared to be the whole of you. This is what builds trust.

Modelling the behaviour that you want to see

Modelling the behaviour that you want to see is how you get more of the same thing. If you waver and stand back from a difficult situation you are also giving others permission to do the same. If you want strong leaders, then we need to be strong ourselves.

Being authentic and consistent in what you say and do reflects your values and shows people that you will not compromise ethics.

Relationships, no matter who it's with, are built on our ability to have difficult conversations that are open and transparent. And when we are accountable for our actions, those relationships can become lifelong trusting friendships because we dared to talk about things that are important to us, including things that may be different or difficult.

That difficult conversation may also be an opportunity that enables us to better understand something that may not be obvious to us. It's also about asking the question to allow another perspective to be seen or heard.  It is encouraging competition and differences.

It creates trust or distrust.

When we are honest and own the situation, the relationship moves forward with honesty but, when we avoid an honest and transparent response, we create tension, and distrust and lose faith in those around us.

Misreporting a situation or turning the other way contributes to the outcome. Be mindful of where you place value in your actions. Honesty, no matter what, cements a relationship but will crush it with the slightest avoidance of absolute honesty and integrity. 

So, we all have choices, what will yours be?